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David Coats Blog Archive - August 2005

8th August 2005 - The wait for Broadband!

So I'm back from my week off as a removal guy/flooring guy/painter decorator/shelf erector/TV aerial man and proud homeowner! I haven't posted for the last week as we still haven't got the Internet (useless phone companies taking 2 weeks to install Broadband!) and I haven't been at work. Itís been very strange being without the net - or even TV for about 5 days. No BBC News, no emails, no silly websites, no Big Brother (actually, I haven't missed that!). I did manage to get an aerial up on the roof in time for the Cricket though. What a fantastic test. 2 Runs, 2 single measly runs! The best thing was Kasprovic wasn't out as the ball hit his glove when it wasn't touching his bat. Hehe! Bad luck Aus!

Although I hate builders (torture them all - especially ones who use plasterboard) I have kind of become one this week. I expect my new neighbours hate me as much as I hated my previous builder neighbours. This week has seen me use an industrial floor sander (very loud), put up 10 shelves (each requiring 4 holes plus 3 failed attempts - thatís 52 drilling noises!), a curtain rail (another 10 holes), a shower blind, a toilet roll holder and shout very loudly at the cricket - all wearing only my boxers (occasionally poorly fitting jeans showing my crack!). I wrote a 2 page rant about how much I hate plasterboard walls yesterday but have scrapped it for this brief comment.

They are shit!

The week was really tiring. Work is like a holiday in comparison. Itís still not over yet either. I have to damp proof the cellar so we can use it for storage and build a window seat, again for storage and as a place to sit. We do have a sofa, for which getting it into the flat gave me the fattest bruise on my arm, but we feel having a seat in the bay window would be a nice place to sit and make the best use of space. I really can't be arsed though. Rachelís off the Barcelona tomorrow so I think I'll have a weeks rest and live like a pig. Yey!

Has anything exciting happened to anyone else? I have been very detached from the world as I say. I know it was Gay Pride on Saturday, and we won the cricket and Arsenal lost the charity shield on Sunday, but did anything else happen? I have been asked 2 questions for which I am compiling an answer. How many pebbles are there on Brighton Beach and Why do people wave silly flags at music festivals? I shall answer those when I get the net at home, whilst sat on my bay window seat listening to the trains go by! In the mean time, I'll leave you with this excellent personality test. It won't take you long and its really accurate!

12th August 2005 - From La Tasca via Old Trafford to Barcelona

I have been trying to write all week but have been soooo busy. Still have no Broadband at the new flat, so canít really post other than at lunch times or by staying after work - and Iím not doing that!

This lunch Ďhourí we all went to La Tasca on North Street for their lunch time specials. Three plates of Tapas for £5 - which is pretty good. The whole Spanish flavour is quite apt at the moment considering Rachel is in Barcelona leaving me with the flat to myself. I have been making the most of this by:

The 3rd Test is as enthralling as the last with England playing like winners. Iím really enjoying it this summer after my trip to see England play Australia in a one day at Bristol. One of my colleagues has taken a sneaky business trip to Manchester as a great opportunity to go to the game - lucky boy. I can't believe the footie starts tomorrow either. It only seems like yesterday I sat in the Walkabout, head in hands, watching the Saints get relegated. Now I have to suffer listening to them lose to Luton. Useless Motherfuckers!

I saved a Yucca tree from certain death last night in B&Q.; She was looking pretty sorry at 7.50 last night on the Ďmust go todayí shelf. Bought her for £1, re-potted her with some extra compost and now she sits with me on my desk as my new friend! I want to give her a name, any suggestions - let me know - davecoats@gmail.com I also bought a new toilet seat and stayed up till 1 fitting it. It should have been really simple but I wasn't really thinking straight and being distracted by the noise of rail workers outside - and the teriffying thought they would be angle grinding the rails through the night!

Well, hopefully Broadband tomo - so will try to add something interesting then

17th August 2005 - Crazy bitches and early broadband man

Broadband internet services were finally reinstated into my life on Saturday morning at the ridiculous time of 7.30am! We complained a lot about the two week wait so I think the early morning wake up call was them getting their own back! The fluorescent jacketed Doc Martins wearing cable guy drilled into the wall for about an hour while my head pounded and my stomach churned. Friday night, as is usual on a Friday, had been a crazy evening. After work, the Wagon and Horses entertained us, as well as the harmonica playing busker, until it started to get dark. I perilously tried to cycled home, 4 pints the stupider, with no lights, along Brighton seafront. After nearly running over drunken pedestrians and a small dog for some reason I felt the overwhelming urge to use my mobile to check the Big Brother result (must have been the Kronenbourg!), whilst cycling alongside Hove Lawns. The result of this was me, this drunken cyclist, bumping onto the grass and scaring the shit out of a hippy barbecue with the shouts of "watch it mate" echoing around Adelaide Crescent as well as my empty head!

My drunken antics did not stop there - oh no. I met Duncan, Joe and Caroline at the Station and continued drinking whilst on the big screen, Anthony pranced about the stage to a chorus of teenage girls experiencing first orgasm while Makosi cowered in shame at her apparently fake first orgasm! Duncan and Caro left at last orders leaving Joe and I to wonder down to the Greenhouse Effect on Church Road. In a most bizarre twist to the evenings affairs, we were talking about how bad money was when this lanky wasted skank hoe approached the bouncers, behind whom we stood, started hurling profanities before throwing the contents of her hand straight at the bouncers face. The dopey bitch spectacularly missed from nearly point blank range and the flying objects rained down across my head and shoulders. With that delayed drunken pain sensation of metal against body, I looked at the crazed whore ready to repeat the profanities which had moments before issued from her filthy gob, before the realisation of being surrounded by money started to sink in. I glanced down expecting to see pennies - maybe the odd 10p but saw eight shiney pound coins. I stooped down, picked them up, thanked Allah and casually walked back to the bar to order another round!

As you can probably imagine, the arrival of the cable guy at 7.30am the following morning was all the more painful considering the previous nightís events! Once I was alone again to the sounds of the Southern westcoastway rail line. I drifted back into unconsciousness where I stayed until 2pm that afternoon - I love weekends! Not a lot more has happened since. I feel I have not capitalised on my bachelor-hood as tonight the girl returns. I have hidden the porn, deleted my history and cleared away the 7 pizza boxes in preparation ;-)

On a final note - crazy crazy crazy evangelical yanks have invented a new theory of gravity!

18th August 2005 - Amaretto in the Coffee

Work is getting a little hectic. Just a little. I am starting to get a little addicted to Coffee. Just a little. I have been experiencing little hot flushes. Just a little. Maybe its the Amaretto in the Coffee.

Its really difficult trying to keep this 'experiment' of a website up to date. Especially when something bad happens. Today something bad happened. I have dropped out of Google for all my key terms, like my name. Ok, so i was only ranking 40th but now i'm not in the top 200! The worst thing is, this has happened to one of the other sites I work on. Oh dear! I can't work out what it is i've done. I'm not wearing a black hat Brin!

This Amaretto really has gone to my head. Feels like i'm a little bird being trampled by a fat french elephant. Back to work. Over and Out.

19th August - Party in the Rain

This morning it rained. It rained drops the size of golfballs. It rained the contents of the english channel. I have never witnessed anything like it. I stepped out of my front door to unlock my bike and the heavens opened. I didn't ride today! With the biggest umbrella ever, I walked the 100 metres or so to the bus stop by which time my boxer shorts were soaked through. On the way past Brighton station, opposite the Duke of Wellington (number 7 strange stupid round the houses bus route) the whole street was completely flooded. A torrent of water was pooring down the hill hitting this wall on the way. The wave as it made contact and turned must have been a good metre high. The basement flats on Buckingham Road must have been a foot under water.

I'm Having a party tonight to celebrate my new flat. If you are in Hove this evening about 8ish, come by Lorna Road. You won't be able to miss it!!

22nd August - Please recycle my house party

On Friday we had our housewarming party. It wasn't really meant to be a 'party' but it certainly ended up being that way. I started inviting people on Friday at about midday and managed to source a set of 1210's, 3 DJ's, 2 crates of Beer, 4 bottles of Red Wine, 2 bottles of Gin, 6 packs of Walkers Sensations, a pack of Jammie Dodgers and an Ironing Board (I'll come to this later).

The evening was a real success! I was very surprised. At about 8 some of R's friends from work turned up followed by my man Singe with his 1210's. We set them up, started playing out and before we knew it there were about 40 people milling around. A strange trend started to occur where people were hanging around in our Hallway, Kitchen and Garden rather than the living room (Singe - yer DJing wasn't that bad!) As soon as the remaining Spannerworkers arrived, the flat was literally bursting and the living room started filling up.

The rest of the party was a bit of a blur. I don't really remember talking to anyone (maybe I didn't. Maybe I passed out in a corner along with Plumbs Scottish friend. Maybe I dreamt the whole thing?) What I do remember was this:

So yeah, I think a good time was had by all. Even the flat survived very well! Not a red wine stain in sight! The one thing which has bothered me though is recycling in Brighton & Hove - or rather the lack of it. For 5 years I have never once lived in an area where there is a recycling collection. Finally, I move to an area with recycling and sodding Brighton and Hove City Council have so far failed to provide us with a black recycle box. Last night I attempted to place the recycling from the party in the street like a good environmentally aware person. This was much more complicated than you might expect. Because of the sheer volume of bottles and cans I had to crush all the cans to make it fit in the enormous washing basket we have as a recycle bin, which it wouldn't - so we had to resort to a wet cardboard box for the remainder. After half an hour of crushing and sorting I trailed the two boxes of recycling through the house. Catastrophe ensued. The boxes dribbled stale beer and red wine across the carpet (so much for the clean party), knocked the mirror over, taking two massive chunks out of the wall and, to cap it all, I stubbed my big toe on the way out the door and made it bleed. If they haven't taken it tonight I shall take it down to the bottom of The Drive and throw it through their bloody window!

Off to Wimbley dan tomorrow to see an Iglu

24th August - Oh to be an Autumn raincloud

I can't believe how bad the weather is. It's depressing! It feels really autumn like yet it is still mid August. We haven't even had the August Bank Holiday yet! I suppose the final bank holiday before christmas is always the last bastion of summer. Eight months of cold, rain and darkness to suffer - the joys of living in England ey - see what I mean, depressing! Cycling home this evening was very hard work. The wind was pounding in off the sea carrying with it the salty rain which slapped me in the face like a sheet of sandpaper. The waves were enormous too. It was only Sunday we were sitting on the beach in shorts, top off, talking about how calm the sea was and how bonfire filthy the pebbles were since it had't rained. How things change ey?! I'm feeling quite philosophical at the moment. I've been asked quite a few questions recently which I am taking my time over to philosophise and ponder. In reply to a certain T Morphy, no, it isn't normal to have a 1 inch penis. I will answer only sensible questions from now on!

Back to my philosophical mood, I think it's this dreary weather thats been making me think, and the fact I haven't had a pint in two days. Oh, actually thats a lie, I had one yesterday. That settles it then, It really must be the weather.

I noticed a site ranking number 1 for failure today. I think its rather harsh. I wouldn't say he's been a failure, more like incompetent. He's certainly succeeded in making everybody recognise him as an incompetent idiot and succeeded in making half the world hate him. He also succeeded to win a second term by brainwashing American Christians. I wouldn't class that a failure. Although, what is it to be are failure? Can you ever actually be a true failure? You could fail at one task while succeed at another, which I think he's done very well. Failed to listen succeeded to kill, failed Iraq, succeeded making Haliburton very rich! Every cloud has a silver lining and all that. See, philosophical! The more prominent site is the one ranking number 2. Now I think he really did fail. The people didn't listen now did they Mike! They voted him in again!

I have been too busy to stumble across any good websites, although rent a German is pretty funny. If you are interested, start doing fantasy football and start a league for me to join. I was quite successful in the first week, but then Solano got sent off last night - wanker! I got -2 for that bit of tomfoolery!

26th August - Jamie leaving do

We got very drunk last night. See our drunken photos. I've got the day off today so am going to sit by the beach, probably from now until monday evening! Jaws on the beach tomorrow - get your free tickets quick!

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