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David Coats Brighton Blog - June Archive

June 14th - one long month

It’s been a difficult few weeks in the life of David Coats. Not only have both the computers in my flat stopped working, hence no updates to my blog, but my 2 ½ year relationship very nearly ended on Sunday. I won't divulge too much as Rachel and I are going to see how things go, but it was pretty emotionally draining I tell you.

Anyways, I thought I would finally update my blog for the first time in a month and post where I should have posted on the days something interesting happened. I always feel I'm cheating if I write under a date, after that date - but this time, I thought I would start from where I last left off as if I’d been blogging daily

Just pretend I have!

June 21st - Midsummer pain

It's hard to describe how i'm feeling right now. Heartbroken is such a cliché but it definitely sums up the way my body and mind feel. I have a dull ache in my head (may be something to do with last night's binge drinking!), an empty ache in my stomach plus hot and cold flushes making me all red and sweaty. Thats the physical deficiencies - the mental ones are a little bit harder to determine.

After 2 years, 5 months and 23 days of a beautiful, magical, seemingly perfect relationship, Rachel has left me to start a new life on her own. Everything - my whole life - has been irreparably altered. I can't eat, I can't sleep, all my plans for life, for the future - gone. I can't help wondering why I got into a relationship in the first place - I simply didn't know the pain it would produce when it ended. Hindsight is powerful but sometimes pointless.

Why did I get into a relationship in the first place then...

Rachel is beautiful. She has lovely blonde hair, has a perfect face, with pretty blue eyes, round pouty lips and a slender soft body most girls would die for. She showed me affection and I immediately wanted more. She was like a drug - she made me feel happy when I was with her, and sad when I wasn't. She made my head spin with her funny mannerisms. I loved the things she said, the way she looked at me, the jokes we shared and the love we made. When she held me, it was like I had found the purpose of life. I got into a relationship with Rachel for the opportunity to experience those feelings for ever and to fill my life with the happiness she gave.

Now the drug is gone - the withdrawal phase has started. Perhaps that explains the hot and cold flushes. All I want is for her to hold me again - I want that original feeling again. I just want to be happy again - I want the feeling of that first day we kissed, wet from the snow in a smoky London bar. Perhaps I am experiencing all the feelings a heroin addict feels going cold turkey. Its agony.

People have been so good. I left work at lunch time yesterday and met Leo at Sussex Uni. We started drinking at East Slope bar, then went for a long walk in the downs. It was very comforting to just forget about it and do something different, and by the time we got into town for the football I was well and truly wasted. Then I spoke to Jonny Lyttle and that was it - the floodgates opened. I watched the football through a few millimetres of water covering my eyes. Thanks to everyone who was so comforting - Neil Cains - Duncan, Ben, Aidy - everyone.

So what happens now - how do I recover from such pain?

I'm trying to just get on with the day - every hour that goes by is an hour further away from the hurt. I know things will get easier. Just as when someone close to you dies - we recover, we'll never forget but the pain gradually ebbs away. I'm trying to think back to my life before Rachel - That rich life of freedom - that life devoid of love and affection. If I meet someone else tomorrow or go another 2 years without kissing another I'm not bothered. I have a 'batchelor' pad now, a double bed, a vegetable patch and plenty of people to call up for an evening drinking. I will feel happy again - but for now - I'm sadder than i've ever been or ever could imagine. :-(

June 22nd - Playing Cat and Mouse

I am in Angry mode today. Bitch. I hate her. I can't believe she has actually done this. I had an interview for an internal promotion today - and couldn't bloody sleep last night. I couldn't concentrate on my preparation either; and then, to top it all off, Rachel's bloody cat, which she has left at the flat, caught a mouse which it brought in, still alive and running around squealing. It started playing with it noisily outside the bedroom door, rolling around purring and then viciously swiping at the frightened rodent. I didn't feel too sorry for it though - I imagined the mouse as Rachel and me as Mitsy, Mighty me taking huge killer blows at a defenceless Rachel. In truth its much more like the other way around. After watching it for about 20 minutes pawing at the little thing, the cat finally picked the mouse up in its mouth and carried it out the back door to certain death.

Despite all this, the interview went well - I have a second next week.

I have slowly been making plans to rebuild my life. The first plan is a weekend of heavy drinking in Southampton starting tomorrow. Then, next weekend, I'm going to London followed by Bournemouth the weekend after. This is all going to cost me an arm and a leg, but if this job comes off I can hopefully manage it.

No amount of drinking or weekends away will take away the loneliness though. Waking up alone in bed after 2 ½ years of someone being there is very difficult to cope with - and its only day 3! I just can't feel happy - or forget about it. Its always there. The dull ache in my stomach. The knowing smiley faces of my work colleagues. No sooner have i dropped the thought of her for work, has something triggered off a new thought. Its like my thoughts are the cat and my happiness is the mouse. My thoughts are rolling around on the floor with pleasure, taking swipes at my happiness, dismembering my smile and silencing my laugh. Bitch.

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

Fuck it - i'm going to the gym to damage my muscles in a controlled but angry manner!

June 23th - Decision Day

I have to make a decision today in my head. I've kind of been in limbo ever since she left me. Her reason was simple - she wanted to be single for a while. Her underlying reason for that - for the change in her desire to want a relationship - was never explained. I've therefore been left contemplating two possible outcomes:

She really has gone off me, doesn't want to ever get back with me, will meet someone else eventually and that will be that
She will come to her senses, come back and all will be hunky dory

So what would I do in either situation? How should I feel? Which do I want? What should I do now, today?

Well firstly, it's do I want her back. At the moment I think no. She's hurt me, ruined our home and a beautiful relationship. You made your bed, you lie in it. Like a naughty child, she has to think about what she has done. Who am I kidding - of course I want her back - I love her more than anyone in the world. But I've got to be strong. I'm not a doormat. I'm not a loser than will just take shit and eat it. The fact of the matter is however, she's not comin back.

Therefore, this really is it. The most likely outcome. The one I have to realise. We will never get back together again. Well, I have to deal with it. I'll get over it. Of course!

So the decision I have to make today - is which path do I choose now. Do I get over her now - today? Do I cast aside any notion that we will one day be together again? Or do I continue to cling on to the slim possibility that the confused, naughty child decides she has made a mistake? I need the closure of the door to get on with life, but I don't want to close a door in my head when its the wrong thing to do - when there's still opportunity behind a slightly ajar door. I still want the chance to make it work. Unlike her, my mind will not give up that easily on something so special.

But I must. That is the way it is. She's given up and moved on. She's not willing to give it a go any further. She's pulled the door closed and turned the key in the lock. I must do the same.

So Southampton here I come. Am I making that decision to let go and move on, to avoid a long heartbreaking trauma? Raaa! I just don't know. Can I decide tomorrow?! ;-)

Blog Archive - Recent May Blog & April Blog Archive

David Coats Brighton Blog - June Archive

June 14th - one long month

June 21st - Midsummer pain

June 22nd - Playing Cat and Mouse

June 23th - Decision Day

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